A Guide to Really Bad Customer Service (Written by Devil's Advocate)

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bad customer service

People write about great customer service all the time. Awesome support here, excellent customer service there.

Don’t you think it’s pretty boring?

I mean, I understand that a while ago it was trendy to raise customer service to a higher level, but it’s 2016, nearly every company has a fantastic customer service. Is it something that we should be aspiring to?

Let’s take a look at Comcast.

Their support is probably the worst customer service ever, and yet everyone is talking about the company all the time!

Even I have mentioned them a couple of times, recently in a post about problem-solving, because Comcast customer support apparently doesn’t know how to solve their customers’ problems.

Whenever a list of companies with bad customer service is published, Comcast is mentioned in each one of them. Can you believe that last year they decided to spend $300 million to fix their customer service? Now, when everyone is talking about them? What a dreadful idea!

But let’s not focus on company’s incomprehensible ideas and let’s move on to how your brand can gain some fame of theirs.

Here’s the one and only guide to really bad customer service!

Don’t greet customers

Greeting customers is the best way to show them that they are welcome to talk to you.

You don’t want them to think that!

Seeing someone walking in, try to focus on eating your sandwich or start talking with your colleague. If you aren’t lucky enough to have food or a colleague near you, pretend that you are reading something on the Internet or even better, start texting.

Nothing lowers customer satisfaction as the lack of proper greeting.

In case you’re working on chat or call center, say something short and unpleasant like “yes!” or “‘sup?”.

Remember about the tone of your voice; it should be bored or irritated. That should do the trick!

Savoir… what?

Savoir Vivre means knowing good manners and dealing with every situation in a polite way. What a bore! In every customer service, you’ll meet dull, impeccably dressed people with smiles on their faces!

Luckily, you’re here to stand out and not to blend in.

If you meet clients face to face, you have a full range of possibilities. Your clothing shouldn’t be smart; you should feel comfortable at work. Rumpled jeans, “kiss my ass” t-shirt and colorful sneakers seem to be a dream set.

I would personally advise all men to show some chest – it always leaves an impression and not necessarily a good one.

Another way to stun your customers is to eat your breakfast while you speak to them. If you’re not hungry, an unwrapped sandwich can be an excellent addition to your messy desk.

The last thing is your language. Forget about “thank you,” “please” or “how can I help you.” Sometimes it’s hard to control good manners but with a bit of practice, you’ll be just fine!

One representative to rule them all

Do you remember the story I’ve told in “The customer is not always right” post? I told the story of a nasty customer who broke her phone and demanded a new one although it was long after the warranty.

Such situations happen all the time in customer service. Aren’t you fed up with angry or rude customers?

There is one simple solution: yell at them and let them taste their weapon!

bad customer service

Yelling at customers or arguing with them is a great way to relieve stress. It also helps to gain a really bad reputation for your company.

It truly is a win-win situation!

Sometimes you might not be in a mood to argue or to manifest your temper and the solution to that is easy.

Don’t like the way the conversation goes on?

Hang up!

Hopefully, your customers will tell their friends about really bad customer service examples and yours will be the shining example!

Don’t know your product

Or, at least, try to make the impression that you don’t know it. It’s the best way to annoy customers, keep them away from your company and gain bad word of mouth!

Remember: if people think that you’re competent, they will more likely look for your help. They will want to be your company’s customers; they will tell their friends how awesome you are which will result in getting more calls, chats or visitors and you’ll have more work.

Isn’t that bad enough?!

Get familiar with “I don’t know”, “I can’t help you” and “it can’t be done.”

If you don’t feel comfortable with such attitude, you can try to use the “policy” shield. “Our policy doesn’t permit it” or “doesn’t allow” is an excellent way to wash your hands of the problem.

If you’re bored with a typical way of getting rid of unwanted clients, you can make some fun of them.

If they’re asking you to explain something, try to do it in the most complicated way you can. Use technical jargon and every time a customer asks you to explain it, sight deeply and change your tone of voice so the client knows that you think they’re idiots.

Thanks to you, they will learn what is a truly bad customer service!

Complain about the company to customers

It may happen that even if you’ve made your best to scare customers away, they don’t want to leave the company. There might be a couple of problems as an excellent product or their inhuman patience.

Here’s how you have everything your way: start to complain about the company to the customers. There are so many ways to slander your brand’s name that only sky’s the limit!

You can start with the way you are treated. Low wages, long working hours, no breaks. Tell them that the product or service you’re selling is far, far too expensive.

If it still doesn’t do the trick, you can appeal to their humanity. Suggest that your company is involved in human rights violation and mention company’s illegal actions (ask with a mysterious face expression if a customer has heard about Indonesia forest fires).

Doesn’t it sound just great?

Be the bad customer service legend

Thanks to the above bits of advice you can be sure that, when your customers share their bad customer service stories, they will always talk about your company.

Don’t forget to share the good word with your colleagues. Thanks to the collective power of individuals you will be able to turn every customer experience into a true nightmare! And then any other team, even Comcast customer service, won’t threat your bad PR.

Start to use my advice today and take your company into the first pages of Google!


Sincerely yours,

Devil’s Advocate



Photo courtesies of Trevor and David Amsler via Creative Commons.

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